Peace

It feels like summer has always been a time of discontent for me.

It's been this way for as long as I can remember, but more than likely it started ten years ago.  Just like the book What Alice Forgot (if you haven't read, do so now) a lot of life happens in ten years.  Sometimes the negativity snowballs over the years, and soon you're like running through life like Indiana Jones with a giant boulder following you.

It's no secret that my life drastically changed the day my mom died.  And not for the better.

Sure, we can make the defense that I have grown and changed in ways I never would have if she were still here, but I think there are some changes that have set me back ten years too.

I was looking at a picture of me someone had taken yesterday (thankfully she doesn't tag!), and I literally don't even recognize myself anymore.  I look restrained and uptight.  I certainly don't look like someone who tries to inspire people to have better lives.  And for that matter, I am definitely not taking my own advice lately.

As I look over this list, it all makes sense.  But, as with everything in life, just because something makes sense doesn't mean it's easy to do.

It's similar to our health.  Sure we all know there really is no secret to losing weight and being healthy, but how many of us are?

I do know that ten years ago I was far closer to being happy and healthy than I am now, and all this time I have been trying to find ways to ease the pain.  And yes, looking at the list, it's not lost on me that number one is the first step to making any change in your life.

One of my goals for this summer is to practice gratitude, because sometimes I just feel like I am the quintessential Bitter Party of One...always dissatisfied with something or someone.  And I, for one, am exhausted.

I'm now adding the goal to make peace with my past... ten years later.  I want to go back to that time and remember how much easier life seemed and how much happier I was.  I know we can't go back to that time, but I think remembering that life wasn't always like this is the first step to knowing what would make life better now.

I really don't want this dark cloud hanging over me anymore, and I know Mom wouldn't either.  Ten years is a long time to wish something wasn't true. I know it's not always easy to figure out what's holding you back, but the feeling of hope is a powerful thing.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend...