Fickle Minds

Set your timer: If you have more than one project going, which one do you want to work on above all others?

In a nutshell, this is the story of my life, and I didn't even know it.

For years, I have been bouncing from project to project (including this one), and never really committing to any of them. Each one that comes around is THE ONE that is going to settle me down and force me to grow up as a writer. How I ever finished two novels in the past I'll never know. The only thing I can think of is they were before I started a desk job. I think I've lost creativity along the way with this job, having to focus on the numbers and management. True, I've learned a ton and really wouldn't trade it for the world, but there are days that go by without any creativity at all, and that is just sad to me.

The one thing that Jr. Nationals has taught me is that I don't love being in charge of something so big... so daunting. I haven't enjoyed much of the planning, and really find it tedious and petty. I know it'll be fabulous when it's going on, but it has really put the rest of my life on hold for so long now, and lately, I'm really itching to get back to me again.

That's why I started yoga again, which I figured out why I don't work out every day :) But I did do 4 days this week, four more than last week. And I will keep up with it, because I really do feel better when I'm done. I am a better me when I get to do the things that bring me joy.

So, back to the question at hand: Which project do you want to work on above all others? My answer is this one. I want to finish this book before I move into Isabelle's life. For the first time in years, I simply want to say I finished it, and from here on our I am going to live by the words finish what you start.

Being fickle might be fun for a while, but eventually, you just have to commit.

21 Days

Did you know it takes 21 Days to create a new habit? It does, and I'm hoping it'll take 21 days to change my life.

Starting tomorrow, I am going to take a 21 day yoga challenge. I'm not following any special program or signed up on any new websites with daily emails. And I'm certainly not going to diet.

Nope, this is just me... with an iPad and a yoga video that I can't get through without wanting to cry. By the end of the 21 days I am hoping that not only will I be strong enough to get through, but will love it so much, I won't stop.

Exactly 5 weeks from now, I will be gearing up for one of the longest weeks I've ever had, and I'll need every bit of focus, strength, and calm I am hoping to get out of the yoga challenge. I am dreading it like I dreaded childbirth. Yes, it's that bad. There is no turning back, but if I could I would. I know I've bitched about this for the past year, but the amount of extra work, worry and stress it has put on me (okay, I put it on myself like a sweater) has been life changing... and not in a good way.

I'm sure Toby would like his wife back. The one who has a sense of humor.
I'm sure my kids think I'm possessed.
I'm sure everyone at work is sick of hearing about the fact that I don't have a medical staff yet. And why in the hell did I agree to take that committee on anyways?
I'm sure my friends would like it if I could just relax.

To which I reply: "Have you met me?"

I will not relax, nor do I even know how to. I can eat cookies and drink wine, but eventually the buzz from both wears off and the whole I'm too fat vicious cycle rears it's ugly head.

I'm pretty sure it's an Angel whispering in my ear to start this challenge. I couldn't think of something like this on my own with only 5 weeks to go, and Lord only knows how much I need this if I'm actually agreeing to it. I'm calling it my divine intervention (pun completely intended) and checking myself into the yoga rehab for 21 days.

Yoga rehab. I like that.

I hope you all have Angels on your shoulders whispering sweet ideas into your head. Take a moment to listen to them and see what you could do :)

ruts

So I feel as though I've slipped and fallen off the Happiness Wagon.  


Perhaps it hit a rut.


Most likely I have.


They say, all work and no play make for a very cranky day, and most moms know, it's completely true.  I work.  I cook.  I do laundry.  I taxi.  I ....I....I.


I'm trying to get out of this rut, and even noticing the rut has to count for something, but life is taking over my happiness and it just makes me wonder, at what point does life become happiness?  This is the essence of Be Happy.  Knowing that you are already happy, and just pushing it away because you get something out of being unhappy.  We spend so much time trying to find our way to happiness instead of just letting it be.  We (and when I say we, I mean me) feel like something has to be achieved, bought, or done in order for happiness to settle.  

It's all a big lie.  


Happiness just is, whether we recognize it or not.  It's with us all the time, and most of the time we just ignore it.


Which leads me to my happiness project.  Life is too short not to be happy, no matter what.  Most likely we will still have our jobs and bills 5, 10 years from now, so we might as well learn to make peace and find a way to accept it.  


The only way to get out of a rut is to do something different... over and over again.  It's not easy, but I am going to try and figure this thing out.  Is there really any other choice?

Friday Fun

Seeing as how I am still reading my Friday Reads choice from about a month ago, I'd say it's time to move forward with something else right now.  And I don't know about you, but I am in need of some FUN in life.  This all work and no play is for the birds.  Angry birds, that is.

So, yes, I am still reading Lost and Found, and really do love it.  Sadly, I just don't have the time or inclination to read often right now.  I have figured out that when I am this busy at work, I really have to just do NOTHING on down time.  Nothing is good.  Nothing allows me to watch Revenge and Modern Family and maybe a little Y & R every now and then.

I was looking on a few of my favorite websites yesterday and came across 5 Loves and a Dud over on Chick Lit is Not Dead.  First of all, I love any of these questionnaires that can tell us more about the people we are reading.  I almost feel like I know them after reading something like that.  And of course, I always want to write one of these myself.  So my Friday Fun is about 5 Loves and a Dud.

5 Loves:

1. Down time.  I have to say, if there is anything I have learned to love in the past two months, it's a little down time.  Unfortunately, I haven't experienced it enough lately, but when I do, it's literally the best part of my week.  Sad, I know.  The biggest problem I have is when I do have an occasional moment to myself, I can't unwind or relax.  I will always be a work in progress I guess.
2. Inappropriate Thursdays.  Yes, I said it, and I pray that no one at Corporate reads this blog.  For whatever reason, things will get a little raunchy at work on those days and we will sit and giggle like 12 year-olds about the stupidest things.  For instance, yesterday Debbie was desperate to fit the word tongued into her Words with Friends game, which led us to a discussion of whether it was even a word (it is!), and then of course we had to fit it into a sentence.  Not pretty, and I'm sure I revealed too much, but boy did we giggle.  I'm giggling thinking about it now.

3. Sunday Comfort Meals.  There is something to be said about working all day on Sunday, then coming home to a glass of wine and preparing a meal that will comfort old and young.  A few weeks ago I made sausage lasagna roll ups, and it was the most heavenly experience.  It makes it all okay, and I find myself ready to face the week a little better then.  Mmmmm, love comfort meals.

4. Going to Movies.  Here is another thing I just don't do enough.  I love, love, LOVE, going to movies.  It is one thing that never disappoints me.  Even if the movie is just okay, I still have the popcorn.  I loved the hushed theater.  I love thinking about how the writers, directors, and editors worked behind the scenes to create the movie.  I love it all.  And then when there's a movie with Ryan Gosling?  Wow... I think that says it all.

5. Books.  I can't explain my obsession with books.  It is the one true thing in my life that has been a constant since I was a kid... besides the whole skating thing.  They comfort me in a way I can't describe, but I'll try.  We all know I'm not reading much right now, but it hasn't stopped me from weekly trips to the library and scouring the web for new books.  I want to see what's coming out, who's writing what, and what's popular.  I keep checking books out thinking my down time will consist of reading an entire book in one sitting.  Not so much, but it's not for lack of trying. 

One Dud

1. Guilt.  Nothing can ruin a mood, moment, or life even, than a giant plate of guilt.  Maybe it's a woman thing or a Catholic thing, but I have been guilty my whole life, and quite frankly, I'm sick of it!  I know I will never be "guilt-free", but I am trying to manage it a little bit better.  I am caring a little less about what other's think, which is #1 in the Guilt Commandments.  I'm just trying to figure out what I like and letting go of the baggage of my thoughts.  Stop laughing... I'm really trying. 

So there you have it... 5 Loves and a Dud on a Fun Friday.

I hope you can have a Fun Friday too!

pause

Did you ever wish there was a pause button in life?  A secret panel we could go to that could either pause, fast-forward, or even rewind moments during our day?  Some days it seems that we may be stuck in one of those modes, either in fast-forward or the dreaded slow-motion work day.  


It is clear to me that everyone around me is in the same boat in a lake called Chaos.  When I talk to other moms it's as if busy was a competition and everyone is trying to win.  Kids are over scheduled and under-slept.  Hell, we are over-scheduled and under-slept.  I don't know anyone who is living the life of their dreams, and that is probably the saddest statement I have ever written.  


In the past month I have been trying to get a grip on my mood swings, and honestly feel better than I have in a while.  However, I have noticed that the things I love to do have fallen by the wayside and I am still trying to fill the planner instead of finding some open space.  I have completely missed the pause button.  


One of my learn to skate parents buried her husband on Saturday.  He was in his 40's and had been sick for quite some time.  She was in yesterday with her daughter, and all I could do was hug her to let her know that she wasn't alone.  I barely know her, and yet I felt compelled to comfort this broken woman.  I don't know if it helped her, but in an odd way I felt better.


So last night I made a decision to pause at least once a day to try and remember what life is all about.  It isn't about winning, working the hardest, and having the most things.  It's about surrounding yourself with the people and things you love, so that even Lake Chaos feels less wavy.  


I know our lives won't change anytime soon, so you might as well learn to go with the flow and enjoy who you're with and what you're doing.  


And every now and then pause to remember why you're here.

Light

At Christmastime, my mom used to go a little crazy in the head.  You may think I'm kidding, but if you knew her, you know exactly what I mean.  Christmas was hands-down her favorite time of year when she could shop and decorate to her little heart's desire.  


And by decorate I mean Snow Village.

This isn't hers, but it was similar...and by similar, I mean bigger

For those of you who have no idea what Snow Village is let me explain.  It is another world.  I'm not even sure if it's even still popular, but I'm sure there's someone who still collects the houses and stores, trees, cars, people, animals, fake snow,and of course those little light fixtures that go inside each home.  My mom built a village every freakin year.  (Yes, she is giggling from the grave right now.)  She always joked that I would get the Snow Village after she was gone, because she knew I would take the time to put it up.  And I have to say, after all these years, I kinda miss it.  


My favorite part was going over there in the evening and viewing it all lit up.  All the houses looked cozy with the soft glow of lighting and always reminded me of hot chocolate and warm cookies.  


Today, because of the dreariness, I am reminded of that soft glow of lighting and it got me thinking.... can we cast a light ourselves on the people around us?  Can we light up today just by being "lighter" to the people around us?  I am going to try since today is Monday, and dreary, and simply because I know it will make a difference.  


Is your light on?  


Oh, and if you know anyone who collects Snow Village, I have a few pieces I could sell them :)

Happy

It dawned on me last night as I was reading my happy book, that I had stopped writing about the words in my blog.  I had started this because I truly believe that when we live our lives according to certain words, our lives change for the better (or worse, depending on your words).  For instance, when we try to go through our day with strength on the brain, we might make different choices.  Some people need calm while others might need a dose of energy.  All of the words mean something different to everyone and that's what is so perfect about it.  The words are yours to live.  


Let me repeat that:  

The words are yours to live.

How could I have forgotten this?  Told y'all I was lost.  Well, I'm back and working on the word happy at the moment.  I lost happy too somewhere along the path, and I have been on a search for it the past two weeks (see below).  

What I have learned that it was never really gone, but that I just have a knack for finding all the crap in life to worry and stress about.  Somewhere along the path, I stopped looking at the flowers and could only see the weeds.  And I hate weeds.

So my word today, and every day, is happy.  I will leave you with this since I think it sums it up pretty darn good.

Have a happy day.