Sacrifice

 Set your timer:  For the next 15 minutes create 2 characters:  one who enjoys her life and one who doesn't; one who pursues goals and one who doesn't.  Seat them at a dinner party and let them have a conversation.
As I sat at the table clutching my name card, I realized that I was holding my breath.  Bruno Mars was singing in the background, and there were flowers and candles everywhere.  In the last two weeks, since I had won this ticket, I had imagined a thousand different scenarios, but those weren't even close.  "Honey, somewhere along the path you stopped dreaming," my friend Jenny told me last week when I was complaining about coming here alone.  "Just go and take it all in," she had said.  Easy for her to say.
"You must be Bethany," she said, sitting down next to me.  I blinked, twice, as I sat there staring at Barbara DeMarco-Barrett.  She was even prettier in person.
"Um, yes," I said, straightening out my name card and setting on the table.  "I won this ticket a few weeks ago."
"Well, it's nice to meet you," she said as if she meant it.  "Are you a writer?"
"It's always been a dream of mine, but no, at this point, I can't say that I am."  I wondered if I sounded as pathetic as I felt.  "I've read your book twice, and just haven't sat down to figure out what I have to say."
She laughed, "But that's the whole point of the book!  You only have to find fifteen minutes to say something, anything."  She looked around to make sure no one was listening to us.  "If I'm going to be honest, I'm one of those people who procrastinates till the last minute, but once I get started I find it's much easier.  That first step is a doozie."
I relaxed a bit in her honesty.  She was just a regular person.  "But what if I find out that what I have to say isn't anything special.  This way, by not committing to anything, I can hold onto my dream."
She was shaking her head and smiling, "But what's the point in dreaming if you're not going to do anything about it?  Following our dreams is what life is about, otherwise you're just wasting time being untrue to yourself."  She took a drink of her wine, " Is that what you want for yourself?"
"No," I said.  "But it's not that easy.  I don't have anywhere to start."  I knew these were all excuses, but this conversation wasn't going as I had planned, and I wasn't prepared to hear these cold, hard facts.
"You just said you've read my book twice!  You do realize those exercises were specifically for writers like you, who are confused on where to start and need to find their voice."
I knew what she was saying made sense, but a part of me wanted to just hide at this point.  She watched me carefully.
"I'll make you a deal," she said.  "I'm starting a new workshop next month, and I want to personally invite you to join.  If after that you still can't find the time to write, then you'll find a new dream.  A writer without a project is like a salesman without a product.  It's just not going to work."
I nodded, knowing what she said was perfectly true.  "Okay, I'll do it," I said.  I took a sip of my own wine and smiled.  I was going to do a Writer's Workshop!
She patted my hand, "Like I said, that first step is a doozie, but the results will be so worth it.  I promise."
As if on cue, a speaker at the front of the room asked everyone to sit down at their tables so we could begin dinner.  "If you'll excuse me, I'm expected to speak before dinner is served," she said, squeezing my hand before getting up.
She stood at the podium, and winked at me before she started.  She proceeded to speak with clarity about the joy and torture of following your dreams every day of your life.  It's as if she had planned to the speech specifically for me, and half-way through I started to believe it was possible.
At least I knew that it was going to be worth trying.  And if I failed, I would have the ability to keep trying till I found something that worked for me.
So, thank you Barbara.  This book is a treasure, and even though this meeting only happened in my head, I still believe you have changed my life through your words.
Now it's my turn.

Mentors

 Start your timers:  For the next 15 minutes write about the people who help you write, remind you of why you write, and inspire you to write.  
"Few things are as valuable in life as being able to rely on a person you trust who cares deeply about your writing, your career, and you."  This is a quote straight out of the Pen On Fire, and I find this chapter and this exercise not only at a time when I need it most, but also when it, she was staring me in the face this morning. 
Mentors come in all shapes and sizes, with writing backgrounds, but not necessarily.  My mentor, my friend, looked me in the eye this morning and asked me why I had stopped writing.  I had been waiting for that question, but didn't feel the need to do anything about it till she looked me in the eye to ask me.  
My answer?  Well, I seem to have the biggest case of writer's block I've ever had.  I simply don't start writing at home because I'm constantly interrupted (I've let Goldie out, turned off the tv, and took a phone call since I started this).  People in this house don't seem to care at all if I'm in the middle of something.  All the more reason to interrupt just for the sheer fun of it.  
Drives.  Me.  Crazy.  So I give up.  But the problem with that is, I really, really love writing to y'all.  
I love that in solving my own problem, I might help you with yours.  Or at the very least, you might be nodding in understanding that we are all in this together.  Our problems might not be the same, but we might be feeling the same way, and that, my friend, is why I write.  
I have always just wanted to help people feel better, and I want to do that through my writing.  

I know it's a gift, and I have made a promise to myself this year to finish what I start.  I don't intend on giving up on writing just yet, and I know that "writer's block" is just a bump in the road.  You can either stop, afraid to get on the other side of it, or simply run over it.  It's not always pretty, but the other side is so much better than sitting there.

So bear with me while I fumble through the next few posts.  Eventually I'll get my groove back and you'll wonder why I ever stopped.  

Thank you, Mentor :)

Rejection

Set your timer:  For the next 15 minutes, write about rejection and what it means to you.

Since I've avoided this assignment for so long now, I feel like I really should just get it over with.  I mean, it's rejection... big deal.  Who hasn't been rejected at least once in their lives? 

I guess a part of me, and most likely everyone else, rejection is taken as a personal attack on our character.  Negative opinions (and sometimes no opinion) make us beleive that those views are about our selves, and not our work.  Now, being a writer, I know that every word I write is a reflection of me, so how could I not take any rejection as well, a personal rejection?  How can the two be seperated? 

I have spent the greater part of the last year working on Jr. Nationals, hoping that all of our hard work, meetings, paperwork, emails, and money would be well received by the skaters, coaches and judges.  Well it was, but there are still a few moments that I remember from last week that I would rather forget.  The angry parent.  The disgruntled coach.  The pushy volunteer.  I don't readily remember the good stuff, I remember the moments that made me feel like I didn't do enough, or rather, the moments when people rejected our grand plan. 

Out of 20 compliments, why do we remember the one rejection?

The end of the year always makes me look at my life and see what I can make better.  I think this rejection phobia literally stops me from doing things I'd like to do, and stops me from living and enjoying life.  I spend a great deal of time worrying about what others will think about what I'm doing, wearing, or even writing, and quite frankly, I'm sick of it. 

I think this kind of wisdom comes with age.  It has to be learned over time.  True, some people are born to not care about what others think, but I am not one of them.  It is a very difficult habit to break, but I think at this point in my life, and having the year I just had, it will be a bit easier for me. 

What will you be working on next year?

Fickle Minds

Set your timer: If you have more than one project going, which one do you want to work on above all others?

In a nutshell, this is the story of my life, and I didn't even know it.

For years, I have been bouncing from project to project (including this one), and never really committing to any of them. Each one that comes around is THE ONE that is going to settle me down and force me to grow up as a writer. How I ever finished two novels in the past I'll never know. The only thing I can think of is they were before I started a desk job. I think I've lost creativity along the way with this job, having to focus on the numbers and management. True, I've learned a ton and really wouldn't trade it for the world, but there are days that go by without any creativity at all, and that is just sad to me.

The one thing that Jr. Nationals has taught me is that I don't love being in charge of something so big... so daunting. I haven't enjoyed much of the planning, and really find it tedious and petty. I know it'll be fabulous when it's going on, but it has really put the rest of my life on hold for so long now, and lately, I'm really itching to get back to me again.

That's why I started yoga again, which I figured out why I don't work out every day :) But I did do 4 days this week, four more than last week. And I will keep up with it, because I really do feel better when I'm done. I am a better me when I get to do the things that bring me joy.

So, back to the question at hand: Which project do you want to work on above all others? My answer is this one. I want to finish this book before I move into Isabelle's life. For the first time in years, I simply want to say I finished it, and from here on our I am going to live by the words finish what you start.

Being fickle might be fun for a while, but eventually, you just have to commit.

Pen on Fire, back in action

Set your timer for 15 minutes and explain yourself:

Years ago I had other digs at Blogspot and had started that blog by going through Barbara Demarco-Barrett's book Pen On Fire. It was one of my favorite writing times because everything I wrote was fresh and had a purpose. I won't lie to you... sometimes finding things to write about can be downright exhausting. So when I had an entire book of writing prompts, I was in Heaven.

But for some reason, I never completely finished the book, so I think it's only right to go back through the book and finish it for good. I have my book and my trusty timer on my phone, so I am going to do this.

Thankfully, for my 40th birthday, Linda had printed every post ever done on that first website. Even though it was deleted online, I still have those first years in a binder. For years she has told me, 'make a book with them,' and I never really thought anything of it until yesterday when I started to read through them again. When I got about half way through it dawned on me that I might actually be able to make a book out of these. I don't know if anyone would buy it, but to have it all in one place would be amazing.

So I am going through the book and completing the ones that I never finished back then. I will set my timer and have at it. To have this come back into my life at this time is such a blessing and reminds me of why I write.

I simply love it.

End of story.

Love your day :)