Humble and Kind

I won't sit here and go on and on about how this song moves me to tears every time I hear it.  I don't have to tell you how beautifully the video is done.  

The proof is right here, in his words, melody, and vision.

I hope you love it as much as I do...

When those dreams you're dreamin' come to you

When the work you put in is realized

Let yourself feel the pride but

Always stay humble and kind

These are my words to live by today....

Happy Thursday Peeps :)

Starting Over

There are so many things going on in life right now, and I am constantly feeling the need to hit the Do-Over button.  If only there was one in life that would either take us back to the beginning or propel us to a future date when life wasn't so complicated.

As if a future time like that even existed.

I find myself lately wondering where the time has even gone.  Forget about the future... what happened to the past?  Was I so busy with kids and daily life, that I didn't notice that time was flying by?  I have pictures, so many pictures, that have documented that we indeed gave the kids a happy childhood, but somehow that part of our life is gone, and everything is different now.

The life I'm in right now seems to be one that is by default.  One that wasn't necessarily a vision of mine, but rather one that I have been bullied into (by myself, of course).  When you're in the hustle and bustle of "busy life" you merely get through the days, exhausted, drained, and grateful for the bed at night.  You don't dream of something different, because that would seem ungrateful, and no one ever wants to be ungrateful when it comes to family life.

Being a mom requires you to put everyone else first, and we do that with pride.  It's a badge of honor to be baking at midnight because someone forgot to tell you they are having a class party.

Or waiting in line to buy an entire homeroom breakfast burritos at Mickey D's.
Or sewing together the shoulder pads five times in a month.
Or the countless trips to school and back, everyday for 12+ years.
Or sitting in doctor's offices, hospitals, and in rocking chairs in the middle of the night.

We've all done it and should be proud.

However, it's all changing now, and we have to find our selves again.  The one who used to dream about life and the pursuit of goals.  The one who wants more than just a job to pay the bills, but something that feels like a calling.

And maybe it's just me, but I don't think so.

I am restless and feeling like this time is nearing the end, and something bigger (and hopefully better) is on the horizon.  Now is the time to maybe dust off the journal and start writing about what we really want our lives to look like.  What does the perfect day look like on paper?

Write it down.

And no, it shouldn't be drinking and baking all day.  I may or may not have had to cross that one out.  The main fact is some of us are hiding behind our daily life because you forgot how to dream.  I know I was.  But that has changed, and I'm in full-on reinvention mode.  I am trying new things.  Trying, for the first time in my life, to ignore what I perceive others are thinking about me, and just doing things that belong on a grateful list.

Which I write every day.

Word.

I know this isn't for everyone, and we all have a pace we're comfortable with, but if you're the tiniest bit restless like I am, then follow along.  I haven't been ignoring this blog, but rather, a bit uninspired to write the same stuff over and over again.

I finally feel like I have something to say to you again, and I hope you'll be listening.

Happy Wednesday :)

The Life List

July 18th marked the 10 year anniversary of my mother's death, and to honor her memory, I went shopping.... at Target.  Where else would I go?  Jacobson's isn't around anymore.

And even though I had told myself I wouldn't buy any books this summer and only read what I had, I bought a book.  A friend had posted something about it on Facebook, and after reading the back, I put it in the cart without a second thought.  

It had me at hello.  

Or at least it had me from page 5, when the main character, grieving from her mother's death (from ovarian cancer no less) makes the statement:  "I have so much more daughter left in me."

The book is The Life List by Lori Nelson Spielman, and in some strange way, it has helped me through this week.  I know it seems odd that I would even buy this book, but I am so glad I did, and can't wait for you to read it.  

I have been so blessed this summer reading books that are filled with love, loss, and life, and I can't help but look at my own little book and wonder if someday we'll be snapping pictures of it on a Target shelf for Instagram.  

In a nutshell, these books make me want to finish my own in hopes of making someone else feel better. I'm not sure it's even about getting it published anymore... that would just be the cherry on top.  It's about completion and putting it all out there for the world to see.  

It's also about letting it all go and remembering to dream.  In The Life List acknowledgments, Lori finishes by writing 'Finally, this book belongs to every girl and woman who sees the word "dream" and thinks verb, not noun.'  I think that's a perfect way to end this. 

Happy Sunday!  Go read something fabulous today.

The Dream

As I was getting ready this morning, I had a thought...

I really hate going to work.

Really original, right?  And I kept thinking about what it would take for me to not go to work anymore.  Here is my list:

1.  The rink could burn down.  But then I'd just be out of a job and STRESSED!

2.  I could win the lottery.  Of course I'd have to play the lottery for this to happen.

3.  I can finish my book, work on getting it published, and create a new life with a different focus.

Note that I am not looking to get filthy rich doing this.  I'd simply love to be able to quit my day job at some point.  If I happen to get filthy rich writing, well, that would be the same as winning the lottery.

Probably the same odds too.

So then next time you hear me sigh or complain that I don't have time to write, remind me of this dream.

Remind me that it's all I've wanted for over twenty years.

And remind me that I can do it, because I tend to focus on the odds of it ever happening.

Happy Tuesday!

6-Word Wednesday

Dream a little dream for me.

That's it.  That's my 6 words for today.

I woke up today thinking, knowing, I'm not doing enough to make any of my dreams come true.  For whatever reasons I tend to waste any free time I may have.

Too much TV.
Too much surfing the web.
Too much procrastinating.
Too much wanting, not enough doing.  (There's another 6-words)

I also spend a great deal of time lately stewing.  Stewing about how crappy life can be, about how little money there always is, and honestly can there be a a bigger waste of time?  (10 points for you if you read that last part like Chandler)

I know many of you feel the same way.  The hardest part of all is figuring out and knowing what it actually is you want in your life.

Then you have to be brave enough to claim it as yours and go for it.  It's not easy, but in my heart, I know this is what is going to make life worth living.

Have a fabulous day my friends... yep, that's another 6 words.

Les Misérables

I had seen the play about fifteen years ago at the Wharton Center.  Of course I loved the music, have always loved going to any play, and being a part of that kind of energy is something to behold.  Even in the rafters.

And I had also heard all the buzz about this movie.

So, I was intrigued to see this and excited this would be our New Year's Day choice for 2013.

Nothing prepared me for what I was about to see.

The first fifteen or so minutes weren't exactly what I expected, but quickly we are thrown into the thick of it, and we are somehow involved in this story ourselves.  I imagine the 'live singing' throughout the film is what creates this intimate feeling and involves the viewer so much.  It is a story of forgiveness, hope, and dreams.  Dreams that are broken, and those that come true.

It is tragic.
It is beautifully casted.
And it left me sobbing.  Literally.

Just watching the trailer again, I cried.

If you get a chance to see this, do not hesitate.  Even knowing you'll cry like a baby.

It's worth every second of it.

Happy New Year to all my friends.  I hope it brings you everything you have dreamed for.

Balance

I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately. Probably too much. But I really feel like there are so many things I still need to learn, and I wish she were still here. I need someone here to tell me that Evan is completely normal, and everything is going to be all right. I never realized, until recently, how much I based my faith in her. I always knew life would turn out fine, because she would move Heaven and earth to make it so.

She made everything "fine."

And a part of me is trying to be that same kind of mom. The one who magically takes care of everything. The one who shows up with food and a smile. The mom who's tough on the outside, but a softy on the inside. I want so much to be that kind of mom, but I'm starting to think that all those things came at a price. Sure my mom found happiness in being 'the best mom' but a part of me wonders if she was really happy. Did she live a full life? Sadly, I don't think she did.

I don't want to turn out like that. Deep down there is a very selfish person inside me that I've learned to shut up with cookies... and wine. She has been babbling for a while now, and I am starting to listen to her. She's the one who loves spin class and running. She likes yoga and fruit, and schedules her week around work outs. At night she turns on Pandora and writes instead of watching reruns of Criminal Minds.

She lives.

So while this seems like an impossible combination, I am going to try and find a way to balance them so I really can have it all. The problem lies when I have to choose one over the other (usually motherhood), but I am really going to remember that balance is the only way to happiness for me. And as I sit here and write this, I'm realizing that she is still teaching me, guiding me. I think she'd be happy to read this right now. I want to be a great mom who shows her family that it's important to still have dreams and goals.

In a nutshell, I want it all.

Is that too much to ask?

 

Do One Thing

So it's the beginning of Lent, and so many people are talking about what they're giving up.  Yes, I am doing the usual of giving up take out lunch, forcing myself to make one or starve, but I'm also giving up baking.  While some of you might not think that is really something to give up, I assure you, it is.

A big something.

But at work today I also started to think about life (as usual) and how I'd really like to inch towards my dream just a little bit more each day and I thought of something.  Do One Thing... D.O.T.

Do one thing each and every day of Lent that is just for you.  I had thought about the whole 29 gifts thing and maybe doing something for others each day, but the majority of us are so self-deprived of anything we want I quickly dismissed that idea.  We give and give and give so much of ourselves to everyone around us, and rarely have the time or energy to do anything for our own benefit.

When was the last time you stopped everything so you could work out?  Or read a good book?  Or make a new playlist?

You get my drift.

Every inch of our time is divided between our kids, our spouses, and our work.  It's no wonder we're exhausted!  When we do have time, all we really have the energy for, mental or physical, is mindless TV.  Do we really need to watch the Bachelor pick Courtney every freaking week?  That's two hours every Monday I'm never getting back!

I am learning lately that life is too short and there are no guarantees.  No free passes.  You either live your life or you don't.  You're either happy or you're going through the motions.  I just want to stop settling and start creating the life I want.  So do one thing is about taking a little time that doesn't involve watching TV.  You know there is something you want to do and you just haven't.  Now is the time, and I'm hoping that by the time Lent is over, we'll be so used to it and happy we'll never stop.

As the skaters would say, make it happen.

And we all know that ones we hate always make it to the final rose ceremony, so save yourself for the next two Mondays and make them Courtney-free.  You'll be much happier :)

Sacrifice

 Set your timer:  For the next 15 minutes create 2 characters:  one who enjoys her life and one who doesn't; one who pursues goals and one who doesn't.  Seat them at a dinner party and let them have a conversation.
As I sat at the table clutching my name card, I realized that I was holding my breath.  Bruno Mars was singing in the background, and there were flowers and candles everywhere.  In the last two weeks, since I had won this ticket, I had imagined a thousand different scenarios, but those weren't even close.  "Honey, somewhere along the path you stopped dreaming," my friend Jenny told me last week when I was complaining about coming here alone.  "Just go and take it all in," she had said.  Easy for her to say.
"You must be Bethany," she said, sitting down next to me.  I blinked, twice, as I sat there staring at Barbara DeMarco-Barrett.  She was even prettier in person.
"Um, yes," I said, straightening out my name card and setting on the table.  "I won this ticket a few weeks ago."
"Well, it's nice to meet you," she said as if she meant it.  "Are you a writer?"
"It's always been a dream of mine, but no, at this point, I can't say that I am."  I wondered if I sounded as pathetic as I felt.  "I've read your book twice, and just haven't sat down to figure out what I have to say."
She laughed, "But that's the whole point of the book!  You only have to find fifteen minutes to say something, anything."  She looked around to make sure no one was listening to us.  "If I'm going to be honest, I'm one of those people who procrastinates till the last minute, but once I get started I find it's much easier.  That first step is a doozie."
I relaxed a bit in her honesty.  She was just a regular person.  "But what if I find out that what I have to say isn't anything special.  This way, by not committing to anything, I can hold onto my dream."
She was shaking her head and smiling, "But what's the point in dreaming if you're not going to do anything about it?  Following our dreams is what life is about, otherwise you're just wasting time being untrue to yourself."  She took a drink of her wine, " Is that what you want for yourself?"
"No," I said.  "But it's not that easy.  I don't have anywhere to start."  I knew these were all excuses, but this conversation wasn't going as I had planned, and I wasn't prepared to hear these cold, hard facts.
"You just said you've read my book twice!  You do realize those exercises were specifically for writers like you, who are confused on where to start and need to find their voice."
I knew what she was saying made sense, but a part of me wanted to just hide at this point.  She watched me carefully.
"I'll make you a deal," she said.  "I'm starting a new workshop next month, and I want to personally invite you to join.  If after that you still can't find the time to write, then you'll find a new dream.  A writer without a project is like a salesman without a product.  It's just not going to work."
I nodded, knowing what she said was perfectly true.  "Okay, I'll do it," I said.  I took a sip of my own wine and smiled.  I was going to do a Writer's Workshop!
She patted my hand, "Like I said, that first step is a doozie, but the results will be so worth it.  I promise."
As if on cue, a speaker at the front of the room asked everyone to sit down at their tables so we could begin dinner.  "If you'll excuse me, I'm expected to speak before dinner is served," she said, squeezing my hand before getting up.
She stood at the podium, and winked at me before she started.  She proceeded to speak with clarity about the joy and torture of following your dreams every day of your life.  It's as if she had planned to the speech specifically for me, and half-way through I started to believe it was possible.
At least I knew that it was going to be worth trying.  And if I failed, I would have the ability to keep trying till I found something that worked for me.
So, thank you Barbara.  This book is a treasure, and even though this meeting only happened in my head, I still believe you have changed my life through your words.
Now it's my turn.