Balance

I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately. Probably too much. But I really feel like there are so many things I still need to learn, and I wish she were still here. I need someone here to tell me that Evan is completely normal, and everything is going to be all right. I never realized, until recently, how much I based my faith in her. I always knew life would turn out fine, because she would move Heaven and earth to make it so.

She made everything "fine."

And a part of me is trying to be that same kind of mom. The one who magically takes care of everything. The one who shows up with food and a smile. The mom who's tough on the outside, but a softy on the inside. I want so much to be that kind of mom, but I'm starting to think that all those things came at a price. Sure my mom found happiness in being 'the best mom' but a part of me wonders if she was really happy. Did she live a full life? Sadly, I don't think she did.

I don't want to turn out like that. Deep down there is a very selfish person inside me that I've learned to shut up with cookies... and wine. She has been babbling for a while now, and I am starting to listen to her. She's the one who loves spin class and running. She likes yoga and fruit, and schedules her week around work outs. At night she turns on Pandora and writes instead of watching reruns of Criminal Minds.

She lives.

So while this seems like an impossible combination, I am going to try and find a way to balance them so I really can have it all. The problem lies when I have to choose one over the other (usually motherhood), but I am really going to remember that balance is the only way to happiness for me. And as I sit here and write this, I'm realizing that she is still teaching me, guiding me. I think she'd be happy to read this right now. I want to be a great mom who shows her family that it's important to still have dreams and goals.

In a nutshell, I want it all.

Is that too much to ask?