AOP

Yesterday I spent a good chunk of time at work going over my AOP (Annual Operating Plan) for 2013.  Of course Michael Scofield helped me get through the day, so it wasn't as painful as it sounds.

The time it took me to go over detailed information of this year, break it down, and apply it to 2013 in goals, budget, and numbers was more than I had intended to do.  But once I started I couldn't stop.  

The more I worked, the more I realized that we should be doing AOP's for our lives, not just work.  And by we, I mean me.

What if we took the time to look over our year, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and try to apply these choices to the next year.  I know, I know, it's called resolutions and have been around forEVER.  But how often do you make resolutions based on what you did this year?  More often than not, we make a list of things we want to change about ourselves, and poof!, there's our New Year's Resolutions.  By March, they're forgotten, because most of us really don't want to change that much.  

We're a pretty content group, you and I.

I'm not good at making lists anymore, mostly because it implies that I'm not good enough the way I am, and I hate that feeling.  That feeling sucks.

Instead, I'm trying to put my money where my mouth is, and live in the words.  For instance, 2012 was about Happiness and figuring out what that means to me.  I think that while it wasn't perfect, it was certainly better than most years.  My goal for 2013, as stated in recent posts, is about being present, and I'm definitely curious to see how this will play out.  In the next couple days I'm going to try and find twelve goals to being present and apply each one to a month.  I already know yoga and meditation will be in there, so wish me luck with that :)

I may have to add finishing Prison Break to my list as well, since I have to be present while watching that, right?

I'm curious to see if any of you still make resolutions for the year... and how long they last.  

Have a great day!

jaded

"If you stop caring, you're jaded, but if you care too much, it'll ruin you."

~ Criminal Minds I must have had some crazy dreams last night, because I woke up grumpy and slightly jaded this morning.  As I tried to shake off the sleep, I immediately went into a mental conversation about how much I'm being used at work.  And not in a good way.  It's been a long week, since everybody and their brother wants to skate during the Holidays.  The phone rings off the hook with incredibly stupid questions, and I was put on as the morning manager all week.  And since I couldn't get my work done in the past three days, I have to go back in today to actually do what I need to do. Bitter Party of one? Here! This obviously is a mental conversation that will never happen, but clearly I have some issues going on in my subconscious.  I have these conversations in my head all the time.  This morning I actually thought writing about it might help, and perhaps some of you do the same thing and can relate. I have this problem of caring too much, going crazy, and then not caring at all.  It's like a crazy mood pendulum.  At this point, I'm heading for jaded...  I had a cookie with my coffee for breakfast if that tells you anything. But since, I'm a woman on a mission of happiness, this isn't going to sit well with me for any length of time.  There has to be a way for me to hang out in the middle of this pendulum, in the grey space so to speak.  How can I care about things at work and not feel that 'over-worked, under-appreciated' feeling I have right now?  January is literally the busiest month of the year for me from beginning to end, and I have to find a way to make this right.  Being present is going to make easier to handle. Keeping work at work, and staying focused on whatever I'm doing when I'm doing it, will be the only way I get through this month and year.  So this mental conversation I just had needs to be done, since it's neither the past, present, or future.  Letting go is the key.  If you find yourself in the same situation of being jaded and talking to yourself (mental or otherwise), take a step back and focus on something in your vision.  Right now, I'm watching it snow lightly on the back deck, and so happy we have snow. Writing here also helps, as it always has.  It's almost like Prozac for me.  I know this post is somewhat choppy and scattered, but that is literally what my thoughts are doing this morning. Damn pendulum. I hope you find yourself in a better frame of mind this Saturday. Happy Weekend!

normal

I remember at one point during this past month texting that 'crazy is the new normal,' and sadly, I think that's true.  All I've longed for, dreamt about, was for life to go back to normal.

Problem is, I don't even know what that is anymore.

I know what it's not...

Normal is not being in the hospital.
Normal is not worrying about your son when he gets on the ice.
Normal is not eating out every night.
Normal is certainly not watching Season 1 of Prison Break in less than a week.
Normal is not waking at 2:20 am every single night.

This month has taken a toll on me, and I'm tired, fat, and crabby.

No, this is not normal.  It may seem like it sometimes, but it's not.

It's time to get my normal back and it will start today, as I try to remember what it is I do in life... besides work that is.  I want my life to be about motherhood, books, and writing.  Years from now, I want someone to mention my name, and someone else say, "Oh yeah, she's a great writer."

Is that normal?  Probably not, but then again, maybe it is, and I just haven't gotten there yet.  They say half the battle of solving any problem is seeing and admitting there is one, so hopefully this will be my first step back.

I know that normal is often looked down upon.  In searching for quotes, most of them were about not being normal... that it kills the Spirit.  I get that, but after this month, I can honestly say that worry and stress can kill a Spirit quicker.  Ultimately it's about balancing the good and bad in your life, and not thinking that you can have only one or the other.

And sometimes, when that doesn't work, you can mull it over while watching Prison Break.  Everyone feels better about their lives after that.

Happy Friday!

Evan's Top Ten

Sixteen years ago today, at 2:15 in the afternoon, I had my Evan.  He was a month early, and is still living life according to Evan.

I cannot believe it's been sixteen years.  It's as if time has flown while standing still at times.  Every horrible stage felt like it would never end, only to open up to an amazingly wonderful stage.  My son would magically appear, new and improved.  Oh, Dr. Spates had warned me that kids would also regress right before a growth spurt, mentally and physically.

And boy was she right.

So, of course in my own fashion, I'd like to take a moment and remember the wonderful stages...

1. He is funny.  I married funny, and had a funny son.  Funny how that works out.
2. He loves every.  single.  animal.  on the planet.  But mostly he loves his Goldie Girl.  The two of them are like two peas in a pod.  Their favorite game to this day is hide and seek.  If you've never seen a boy play hide and seek with a dog, you're missing out.
3. He's smart.  He doesn't always know this, and quickly forgets when he does, but I know it's in there.  
4. He is a genuinely nice person.  It astounds me how much he cares about other people.
5. He is friends with everyone.  He doesn't want anyone to feel left out, and truly tries to be nice to most people.
6. He spends a great deal of time trying to figure out a way to scare me.  He'll hide around corners, in closets, and behind doors in order to do this.  It's not my favorite thing about him, but still I wouldn't want him to stop any time soon either.
7. He has grown to be really grateful and thankful.  It's no secret that the past few years have been much tighter than usual, and he never complains.  Well, almost never.
8. His hair.  Yes, it's long, and at one time looked a little like Bieber, but now it's just him.  To love Evan is to love his hair... give it time, it'll grow on you.
9. He can do spot on imitations of many people... mostly those with a lisp.  Now looking back at #4, all I can say is he'd never do this in front of them :)  His voices are the best.
10. Even though he tells Blake that he's adopted on a daily basis, he's still a good big brother.  Last night during mass while saying the Our Father, he squeezed Blake's hand so hard he yelped and doubled over.  The row in front of us started to laugh with us.  I know it's not appropriate, but those are the moments they will remember.  He is teaching him to be a better person in many little ways, and even if he doesn't know it Blake adores him.  I can't wait to see them ten years from now.

And no I'm not wishing the time away... just looking forward to a fun future.

Happy Birthday Evan!

Happy Christmas Eve!

Here's a little video to keep you in Spirit this Christmas Eve from Fred Clause.  This is just my opinion, but probably the only good scene in the movie.

Enjoy...

Have a blessed silent night.

One Quote

As most of you who know me and read this often, I have made it my personal mission to make this year about finding happiness.  For the most part, I think I've done a pretty good job of bringing it to my life and trying to give it to others.

It's no fun to be happy if those around you aren't.

And as we draw 2012 to an end (sigh), I feel it's only natural to pick another subject for next year.  Without getting too 'new-agey' on all of you, I'd like to be more present and make every second of every minute, hour, day, month count.  Basically I want to pay attention to this point and time instead of living in the past or worrying about the future.

I even got this planner that has a quote to remind me of my year-long quest.... and you know how I love my planners.

"Sometimes we're all too quick to count down the days that we forget to make the days count." ~ Unknown

I'm not going to make a huge list of resolutions for the next year... Just this one to start.

And to write more.

What will you be wishing for in 2013?

I hope you've enjoyed the 12 Days as much as I have.  It's funny, I've been spending a good part of each day wondering what I would write about.  Then I'd sit down, and it would just come to me as if I were planning on it the whole time.  God is funny that way.

As always, thank you for reading.  It completely makes my day to know someone comes back to see what's on my mind.

Merry Christmas!

2 Boys...

If there was one word in this world that I identified with more than any other, it would have to be mother.  I was put on this planet to be a mom... I've known that forever.  I learned from the best, and have been blessed with two amazing boys.

I know that I complain about them a lot, and often vent about not having any time to myself, but I seriously don't know what life would be like without them. 

First, there was Evan, who thought January 25 was not ideal for a birthdate and decided to make one of my favorite Holidays even more special.... my Christmas baby.  He is the one who challenges me the most, mainly because his personality is so much like my own.  He is growing up to be such an amazing person, liked by all, loved by many.  Quite possibly the best Christmas present ever.

And then there was Blake, who also chose a holiday, granted not the most popular one, but still.  From day one, there was a difference.  He came out just knowing things so he could be fearless.  He continues to astound me with his generous spirit... something many people don't get a chance to see.  He is the perfect combination of faith and strength.... even in the last month.

It is a very blessed world I live in.

So that's it!  We are officially down to one day now...

Happy Saturday!

3 People

"And three, of course, is the number representing supreme balance, as anyone who has ever studied either the Holy Trinity or a simple barstool can plainly see."  ~ Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

If I had done my favorite books of all times on Day 5, this would have made the list.  I sorta felt bad about that, because who picks Twilight over Eat Pray Love?

Well, apparently I do.

Today I wanted to pay tribute to my personal 'Supreme Balance'... 3 people who have changed my life and made me who I am.

1. My Mom:  to say she impacted my life is a serious understatement.  I carry her with me every single day, and often wonder how she would handle a situation.  I wonder if she is watching over and smiling... or shaking her head.  I wish you all could have met her.
2. Mary Karen:  She was my skating coach growing up, and I adored the very ice she stood on every day.  She wasn't perfect, but I can't even imagine anyone else being able to teach skating and life skills so seamlessly.  Every lesson taught me to be not only a better skater, but also a better person.  She still calls me 'her little Mo' to this day.  I'm a good 6 inches taller than her, so that can be somewhat awkward.
3. Kimi:  This was the first student who challenged me in every way when I was a coach, both good and bad, but mostly good.  I literally learned more from her about teaching than she did from me, and to this day we still learn from each other.  Throughout the years our friendship has never been shaken... it's a love fest of mutual respect and admiration.  I know things about her I probably shouldn't, but our unwritten rule has always been no judgement.  There is nothing she can say to me that would change that.  Thank you Kimi :)

That's it!  Suddenly I'm caught up and there's only 2 Days left!!  

Happy Winter Solstice!

4 Favorite Books

Yes, I know I'm late with this post.  A day late to be exact.  But I refuse to stress about it, even when I get random text from 'those who shall not be named' gently reminding me of such things.

So my last post was about my favorite books of the year, and today is going to be my favorite books of all times.  These are the books I will never give away or resell.  I often re-read them every year or just pick up and open to a much loved spot.

Here we go...

It's difficult and sad.  But it's also incredibly inspiring and uplifting.  If you haven't read it (or started then stopped) pick it up and read it this Christmas.  

And don't even try to read the end first.

You are all aware of my love affair with Harry.  The seventh book is amazing and ends the series with perfection.

Yes, I said love affair... and I'm okay with that.

Did you think I'd have an All-Time Favorites list and not have a self-help book?

This is the only one you'll ever need.

I feel the need to explain this one.

I remember the day I bought it.  I was downstairs at Barnes and Noble, I picked it up because it was on every display down there.  I started the first chapter and I just knew.  It pulled me in and didn't stop till the next morning when I finished it.  That was the first book I had ever read in less than 24 hours, and I couldn't wait for the next one.  In my opinion none of the others held my attention as well as the first one, and yes, I do re-read this from time to time.  

Well, there are my favorite 4 of all time.  What would yours be?

PS... 3 is on the way :)

5 Gold Books!

Is there anything better than a good book?  I think it's clear what my answer is, but every year I try to pick my favorite books of the year, and this year it was easy.

Actually, every year it's easy.

So, without any further ado, here are my Top 5 Books of the year:

It's quirky, different, and thought-provoking.  I loved how it made me think about my own life and how different things were ten years ago.

I really can't explain why I loved this one so much.  It's part fiction, part historical, and even a little thriller thrown in there.  Loved it.

Hands down my favorite book this year.  If you haven't read her stuff, you should.  Great writer.

It's a smarter, better version of Twilight, and yet similar in enough ways to keep us hooked.  I wish I could say I love the second book as much, but I have yet to get through it!

Is it porn?  Yes.

Do parts make you uncomfortable?  Absolutely!

Could you put it down once you started?  No.

Granted, this wasn't for everyone, and really wasn't the best written book of the year, but you have to give props to a middle-age british woman who can write something that captures the world.  Especially when you look at the subject.

It's the stuff that writers like me shake our heads at.  What I wouldn't give to have this kind of dream come true.  

Guess I should get writing, huh?

I don't need 5, but leave a comment of your most favorite book of the year.  If you haven't read any of these, check them out!

Six Words

Now, if only six had landed on a Wednesday... that would have been Divine Intervention.

Now, it just has to be Six-Word Tuesday.

I'm okay with that.

6 Six-Words to Sum Up My Year

1. Life is short.  Make it count.
2. The happiness of today lies within.
3. Mom said, "This too shall pass."
4. Don't take your health for granted.
5. "Good Morning Gorgeous," makes everything better.
6. I'm still learning to slow down.

There you have it; 36 words of fun.

What would be your six-word summary for the year?

7 Pins

So Pinterest has really been one of my 2012 obsessions, and I simply don't know what I did before pinning took over my life.  It has become a source of inspiration, a cookbook and recipe finder, and a stylist.  As one of the mainstays in my life, I thought it only fitting it should get an entire day in my 12 Days celebration.

These are the most Pinteresting and Pinspiring pins of the year...

The saying says it all.  We have become addicted to our phones (myself included), taxi driving, and general busy-ness.  I have literally lost the ability to relax when I don't have a commitment of some sort.  This is going to change in 2013.

If When we win the lottery, I will own a house with this office for myself.  No boys allowed.  Like, ever.

So much to see.  So much to inspire.  So much happiness.

I have always had an unnatural attraction to books.  When I find a book I love, I want to be inside that world.  Or I wish I were the person who created that world.  

Sigh... some day.

I don't really need to explain this do I?  It's perfection.

I have recently convinced one of my friends at our Corporate offices to read Harry.  We have always liked the same books, and I just couldn't get over the fact that she hadn't read them yet.

She's read the first 5 in about a month, trying to finish before the end of the year, and is emailing and talking about Harry like he's real. 

 I knew he'd get to her too....

Might be the winner of the Best Pin of the Year.

It's also how I feel about my friends.

Enjoy the night!  Catch you tomorrow.

8 Posts

I've been working on a video for the rink again, and have found myself looking over the past year.  You can learn a lot looking through old photos, but even more when you look through the posts from this year.

It seems I have a lot to say.

I am so thankful that you keep coming back to read what I have to say :)  So I thought it might be fun to make a list of the ones I like the most from this year.

Here we go... (please don't feel like you have to read them again)

1. Believe:  Friday, January 27
2. Read This!:  February 13
3. Friends, Zac, and the power of 50 shades:  April 30
4. Courage:  April 5
5. B Something:  May 3
6. Blaker's Top Ten:  June 14
7. Finding Gratitude:  November 21
8. Blessed:  December 7

It's seriously like a trip down memory lane for me to read them again.  I don't often do that, which is why I probably repeat myself so often.  I don't always love doing what I get paid to do, but this blog makes up for that.  

This is what brings me joy.

This is putting it out there for you to love or hate.

This is where I actually can show some courage.

Happiness is.... this.

Have a fabulous week!

9 Elf Lines

I'm snuggled up in bed, under the down blanket, and watching Elf for the 4th time this week.  I have no idea how many times I've seen this movie, and when we had our van, I would hear it on the DVD player every single day from November through Christmas.

Every.  Single.  Day.

And it still never gets old.  It makes me happy, and the fact that I know every word (as do Toby and the boys), just makes it all the more fun.

Here are my favorite 9 quotes from Elf...

1. We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup. 
2. I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite 
3. Francisco! That's fun to say! Francisco... Frannncisco... Franciscooo...
4. He's an angry elf. 
5. You sit on a throne of lies! 
6. Have you seen these toilets? They're GINORMOUS! 
7. SANTA! OH MY GOD! SANTA'S COMING! I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM! 
8. I passed through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel. 
9. SON of a NUTcracker!

Now I know most of you probably read these and said them in your Elf voice, just like the movie, didn't you?  It's okay, you can't help it...

It's an Elf thing.  

10 Moments

I know that most people would want to forget this week if they were in my shoes.  Spending time in and out of the hospital, not once, not twice, but three times would send anyone over the edge.

I've had to live on that edge in the past couple weeks.

However, in my challenge to stay in the moment, I have tried to take snapshots of all of it.  Good, bad, and ugly.  Lot's of ugly.  And my goal wasn't just to remember the good stuff.  That's easy to do... I want to remember it all.

Here are the 10 Moments I won't forget this week.

1. Listening to Blake yell on xBox tonight.  Clearly he is feeling better, and hasn't asked for any medicine.  Only food.  Lot's and lot's of food.
2. Coming home last night and watching TV with Evan.  He was chatty, and together we watched Pawn Stars and marveled at how crazy some people are.
3. Group texting through the good and bad times.  Together we got through ER visits, vomiting, diarrhea, and even a faker.  Good and bad news is better when you can share it with friends.
4. Waking up at 4 am this morning and catching up on a week's worth of Young and Restless because I can't sleep.  It was mindless perfection and exactly what I needed.
5. Calling my sister-in-law yesterday, crying, and having her calm me down.  She was working yesterday and was having the Dr.s in her hospital help figure out what to do with Blake.  She was the one who told me to ask for steroids.
6. Having Jeff visit yesterday and bring Blake a card.  He is more like family than many in my family.  I hope he knows this some day.
7. Watching the news all day today, praying for the people in Connecticut.  Tragedies, as horrible as they are, bring us closer to those we love.  Sad but true.  I can't imagine what that community is going through, and my heart is breaking for them.
8. Downloading three books onto the Nook with a giftcard.  Free books are the best.
9. Taking gifts for our adopted families from the rink.  It is always the best feeling driving away from there knowing that people are going to have a better Christmas because of what we did.
10. Having Blake look at me today as he sat in his hospital bed and say, "Thank you for taking care of me this week, mom."  I think he totally gets how difficult it was for us, and my heart melted once again.  Amazing kid in so many ways.

Just because we're present doesn't mean every moment has to be perfect or even happy.  Every experience will change you and force you to grow, and that is ultimately what it's all about.  Sometimes we learn the most from the bad times, and then we can appreciate the all the good that really is in our lives everyday and we just don't see it.

If you could pick just one moment from the past week to remember, what would it be?

Enjoy the weekend :)

11 Words

In day 2 of my 12 Days I just want to list the 11 Words that made a difference to me this year.  We speak, we write, we hear words every single second of every day, but do we ever really take the time to think about what they truly mean?  In my never-ending quest for being present, I'm trying even harder to not only listen, but hear the words rattling through my brain.  Especially the ones that keep repeating themselves over and over again.

So here we go...

1. Gratitude
2. Perspective
3. Honesty
4. Prayer
5. Faith
6. Compassion
7. Friendship
8. Happiness
9. Laughter
10. Risk
11. Love

It amazes me how time and time again, my life is about these words.  If you could pick one word to describe how you feel today, what would it be?

Have an amazing day...

12 Days

I think it's only fitting that I start the 12 Days of Christmas on the 12th day of the 12th month in 2012.  In fact, I'm counting on this to be lucky.

The 12 Days are really about reflecting over the year and seeing what was really important and made a difference in my life.  Plus, I'm just a sucker for a count down and getting to do one for 12 days is my favorite creative outlet.  The fact that I haven't planned this one at all, and only decided to do this at eight this morning makes it even more fun.

Let the 12 Days begin...

12 Things I Want for Christmas

1. For Blake to be healthy and happy.  More than anything, I just want him to feel better and get rid of the virus.  If I could wish for this 12 times I would, but that might be a little boring for you.
2. Peace of mind.  See above.
3. More time to write... uninterrupted.
4. More time to read.
5. Health.  I'm done wishing for skinny.  I just want to make sure I'm here to see grandkids someday.
6. A new phone.  This one is dying a slow death, and my phone is my lifeline.
7. A weekend vacation with Toby.  We're in need.
8. Season 1 of Revenge on DVD.
9. Happiness.
10. A girl's night out
11. To finish my book.
12. For Toby to find a new job.  Or happiness of his own.  Whichever comes first.  Both would be great.

That's it.  I know I really don't need anything because I'm really blessed, but I am trying to start thinking of things I need instead of just taking care of myself.  Yes, I'm aware the first and last ones are out of my control.  

The rest... well, I can certainly do something about those.

Happy 12 Days to all, and to all a good night.

blessed

Well this is new, writing in the hospital.  But all is quiet - mostly Blake is quiet - so I had some time to think, because I'm pretty sure that sleep will elude me here.

I was telling someone today that this has to be, hands down, the absolute worst week of Blake's life.  That's not an exaggeration, just a fact at this point.  He has been poked and prodded, ultra sounded and cat scanned.  He hasn't eaten since Wednesday morning, and it's Friday night as I write this.  Contestants on Survivor eat more than he has.

But for some reason, I am so at peace right now.  Probably because he is, but also because Toby and I have literally been text bombed since earlier this week.  Family and friends wondering how he is... wondering how we are... and what can they do to help.

It's overwhelming to think about the circle of people around us, and reminds me of how lucky and blessed we really are, even as I sit and write this in the hospital.

I know this too shall pass, mostly because my mom always said it would, but also because it's true.
The bad times always pass.
The good ones do too.

That is the one thing we can always count on in this crazy world.

That, and the fact that Blake will never do anything halfway.  Like... ever.

Have a fabulous weekend, my Friends.

p.s.  If you're reading this and didn't have a clue, he's going to be just fine.

Moments

There are many things I am pretty good at, but there is one thing in this world that I am exceptional at, and that's giving advice.  I'm not always good at taking advice, and certainly not my own, but that's one of the things I'm going to start working on.

Yes, I can talk the talk, but walking it is entirely different, and often find myself tripping and falling.  Tonight's topic came to me after I gave advice to someone who is nervous about the next two weeks.  'Handle one moment at a time and don't ask any more than that of yourself,' I told her.

If only I could whisper this to myself every now and again, I might start sleeping better.

I know with the drama and deadlines of our lives, it's hard to keep perspective.  It's almost impossible to keep focus on what is most important when bills are due, we're running late, we've failed a test, or when people around us just suck the happy out of the room.  

And when we somehow do get through that moment, another one comes along to stray us away from what is important.  It's an uphill battle, but I think that's the lesson;  Do we want our lives to be about the drama or what's important to us?  

I know what I want, and I know what you probably want too.  It's not hard to see when it's written here  in black and white.  The challenge is living in the moment every single day, and not take anything for granted.  Good, bad, or ugly, things happen to us, and our challenge is to make our life better because of those moments.

Are you up to that challenge?  How are you going to choose to spend the moments of your life?

Have a fabulous week, my friends.