Insanity

For the past few months I've been stewing (mostly at work), and quite frankly I'm sick of it.  And myself.  I'm not usually one of those people who blame everyone for their problems, but lately, I feel like I have been.  I've been picking apart every decision everyone else is making instead of just focusing on what I need to do to get my job done.

I'm mad because I don't get this or that.

I'm mad when someone else isn't doing their job.

I'm mad at all the "plans" that never get done.

I'm mad I don't always get what I deserve.

I'm mad that I have never spoken up and let it get to this point.

There I said it, and for those of you who know me, that was not easy.  I'm not the one who usually gets mad... I don't do mad very often.  I'd rather keep the peace and keep my mouth shut.  I'll stuff all these feelings down, and perhaps that wasn't the best plan for me, because I've been dreading my own life again lately.

I have always loved this quote of defining insanity, and used it often.  It's my go-to phrase when I see that people aren't getting what they want in life, and I'll often call them out on it.

Sidebar:  As I'm writing this, Patsy Cline's Crazy just came on.  I'm not sure if Spotify is mocking me or telling me I'm on the right track.

Honestly, I feel like the blinders have been lifted and I can see now that I'm going to have to change to create a better outcome.... Clouds parting, angels singing.  And to quote myself from the last post...It is what it is... what are you going to do about it?  It's amazing how one day you can just wake up and see where the problem really lies, and know all the other stuff was just noise.

The real question is what am I going to do about it now?  Katherine Center has a quote, "You have to be brave with your own life so others can be brave with theirs," which completely sucks, because I really don't do brave either.  And now you're wondering how I got to be almost 45 years old without being brave or mad?  

Chocolate and wine. 

Lots and lots of wine.

To answer my own question, un-sarcastically this time, I will simply say that I promise to take a few brave steps this week in making the changes I want at work.  If another job comes along and it's everything I want, then I'll make that decision when I get to that point, but I have to start embracing the one I have first.

Wish me luck... I have a feeling I'm going to need it this week.

And I will wish all of you a Happy-School-is-Out-Awesome-Week!

Thank you for being my Dr. Phil...