Motherhood

As I sit here tonight it is killing me not to be able to see Sarah and precious little Jonah (Little J-Twizzle, for long).  And knowing I was one of the first to even know about him nine months ago, this doesn't seem fair.

I comforted with the morning sickness.
I sat through nine months of bagel eating.
I hugged and calmed her down when she needed, right down to the day before.
I tried to be brutally honest with what really happens in delivery so she was prepared.
I told her to get an epidural, even though she was one of those who thinks they're tough enough.

And I've texted.  Oh how I've texted... words of wisdom, dirty jokes, sarcasm, truth, and joy.

To say I make it a priority to help her through life is an understatement, and I don't know what it is that compels me to take on this role, but we are connected in a weird way that cannot be explained.

And if I can't be there this week, there are a few things I want her to know... mom to mom.

• First of all, you are going to be overwhelmed.  It may not hit today or tomorrow, but it will hit, and when it does you'll wonder why you ever thought being a mother would be cool.

• You will fall so head over heels in love with this baby, and will find yourself just standing over them to watch them sleep.

• Your whole being is going to be taken over by this small, beautiful boy (a boy!!), but you will soon find out that your heart grows even bigger each day.  You will have space for Jonah, as well as well as the life you had before him.  Yes, your priorities will change, but it doesn't mean you have to choose one or the other.  You will learn the fine art of juggling and relying on your friends... and that's okay.

• Post-pardum is real.  Take it seriously if you're sad.

• Ask for and accept help as much as possible, especially at the beginning.  You may feel like super-mom (and you are), but none of us got through the first week alone.  

• Take naps when he naps.  Even if it's 4 6 times a day.

• No one cares if your house is a mess.

• Be kind to your self.

• Your friends have always been your life line.  That will not change.

• Above all things, remember this:  Jonah might be one of the luckiest little boys I know because he has you as his mom.  I hope he gets your sense of humor and especially your snarkiness of late.   I hope he follows in your path to be utterly passionate about something when he gets older.  I hope he knows he has not just you and Joel, but the entire skating family and the place we call home.  You're going to spend hours upon hours worrying about the tiniest issues, but I assure you, everything will be okay in the end.

This should get you through to Friday, when come hell or high water, I'm coming to see Mr. T.... with presents and dinner.  I plan on holding him for a long time too, so get your fix before I get there.  

Until then, you can text me any time day or night.  

I can't wait to see how this next part of your life unfolds.  

resistance

re•sist•ance (rɪˈzɪs təns) 

n.

1. the act or power of resisting, opposing, or withstanding.

2. the opposition offered by one thing, force, etc., to another.

How many of us are really willing to change?  Sure we complain about our lives, go through the actions of getting through another day, and will post about either good or bad times on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

But who out there is really willing to change their lives for the better?

Change isn't as easy and glamorous as it sounds, and most of us simply won't do it till we're forced to.  You know the reasons people change...

Someone gets a health scare
Someone loses a job.
Someone dies

Yes, there are many other reasons out there, but this is not about the reasons.  It's about the resistance to make your life better, even with the reasons.  We're all going to have our hardships in life, but knowing what you want and going after it is what I really think life is about.

Perhaps I'm still in my post-Life List glow, but I have to believe we're here for more than to make money and pay bills.  I know we can't quit our jobs, but can we fit our life in around them?

What is one thing you could do today that wouldn't make you a dime, but would make you happy?  I know some of us don't even know the answer to that question, and maybe that's where you start.  It just isn't enough for me to wait for the reasons to change.  I know change is hard... it's why most people don't do it, but being forced to change for reasons outside your control is surviving at best.  Life is so much more than surviving.

Homework:  Make your own list.  It doesn't have to be life-changing or drastic, and yes, I'll even allow you to use Pinterest to make your life list board.

Happy Wednesday!

The Life List

July 18th marked the 10 year anniversary of my mother's death, and to honor her memory, I went shopping.... at Target.  Where else would I go?  Jacobson's isn't around anymore.

And even though I had told myself I wouldn't buy any books this summer and only read what I had, I bought a book.  A friend had posted something about it on Facebook, and after reading the back, I put it in the cart without a second thought.  

It had me at hello.  

Or at least it had me from page 5, when the main character, grieving from her mother's death (from ovarian cancer no less) makes the statement:  "I have so much more daughter left in me."

The book is The Life List by Lori Nelson Spielman, and in some strange way, it has helped me through this week.  I know it seems odd that I would even buy this book, but I am so glad I did, and can't wait for you to read it.  

I have been so blessed this summer reading books that are filled with love, loss, and life, and I can't help but look at my own little book and wonder if someday we'll be snapping pictures of it on a Target shelf for Instagram.  

In a nutshell, these books make me want to finish my own in hopes of making someone else feel better. I'm not sure it's even about getting it published anymore... that would just be the cherry on top.  It's about completion and putting it all out there for the world to see.  

It's also about letting it all go and remembering to dream.  In The Life List acknowledgments, Lori finishes by writing 'Finally, this book belongs to every girl and woman who sees the word "dream" and thinks verb, not noun.'  I think that's a perfect way to end this. 

Happy Sunday!  Go read something fabulous today.

Fabulous

Years ago, there was a book called The Book of Awesome, featuring the most mundane things as awesome (buttered toast, towels just out of the dryer, etc...) and I loved it.  It was one of those be-grateful-for-the-ordinary books that really hit the nail on the head.  When you're grateful for what you already have, life becomes... well, awesome.

It was fabulous.

And today when I was walking I started to think about it.  After two walks this week that left me wondering when I got so out of shape, today was sweltering, sweaty, energizing, and fabulous.  It was a walk that gave me hope that maybe I wasn't so... well, hopeless.  By the end of the walk I was thinking of spinning again.  That's how good the walk was.

I also started to wonder what else I could do, what other walls I could push through, to get to the other side where fabulous waits, and immediately writing came to mind.  It's so similar to working out it scares me.

It's always something I feel like I have to do, but ALWAYS feel better when I'm done.
It's one of those few things in life that leaves me with more energy and excitement.
It produces hope and joy... two things I can never have enough of.

Here are a few other things that I think are just fabulous...

• That perfect margarita on a hot summer night.
• The text that comes at exactly the moment you need it.
• The power nap.
• Hearing laughter from your kids.
• Songs that make you want to dance.
• Action films featuring Channing Tatum.
• Iced coffee
• Reading through old posts and having the strongest feeling of wonder and pride.
• Planning a girls weekend.
• The gift of writing.  

Of course I could go on and on, because life is fabulous.  Sometimes we just have to recognize it, accept it into our lives, and let go of the stuff that brings us down.   I read a passage in a book recently that put it as simple as this:  Do you want to be happy, or do you want to hang on to the baggage of the past?

I know, more than anyone else, that while it seems like an easy choice, it's not always that easy.  I am working on letting go, and I hope you are too.  

What's on your fabulous list?  Yes, you have to write one now.

Happy Sunday!

charlie

I haven't written a word in almost a week.  Not really sure why... sometimes it's just easier not to write than to break my own heart every time I open my laptop.

But then I heard this song today, and kept thinking about Charlie, and knew some of you might be too. So if my words aren't comforting you, maybe this will.

You're welcome.

Happy Thursday!

gratitude

An attitude of gratitude.  That's still the summer challenge.

Here are my 5 for today, and yes, I expect you to find something to write on and do yours now too.

1. Reading and books
2. Not going into work till noon
3. Air conditioning
4. Blake is still sleeping
5. My new yoga video.  Love!

Happy Wednesday!!

Peace

It feels like summer has always been a time of discontent for me.

It's been this way for as long as I can remember, but more than likely it started ten years ago.  Just like the book What Alice Forgot (if you haven't read, do so now) a lot of life happens in ten years.  Sometimes the negativity snowballs over the years, and soon you're like running through life like Indiana Jones with a giant boulder following you.

It's no secret that my life drastically changed the day my mom died.  And not for the better.

Sure, we can make the defense that I have grown and changed in ways I never would have if she were still here, but I think there are some changes that have set me back ten years too.

I was looking at a picture of me someone had taken yesterday (thankfully she doesn't tag!), and I literally don't even recognize myself anymore.  I look restrained and uptight.  I certainly don't look like someone who tries to inspire people to have better lives.  And for that matter, I am definitely not taking my own advice lately.

As I look over this list, it all makes sense.  But, as with everything in life, just because something makes sense doesn't mean it's easy to do.

It's similar to our health.  Sure we all know there really is no secret to losing weight and being healthy, but how many of us are?

I do know that ten years ago I was far closer to being happy and healthy than I am now, and all this time I have been trying to find ways to ease the pain.  And yes, looking at the list, it's not lost on me that number one is the first step to making any change in your life.

One of my goals for this summer is to practice gratitude, because sometimes I just feel like I am the quintessential Bitter Party of One...always dissatisfied with something or someone.  And I, for one, am exhausted.

I'm now adding the goal to make peace with my past... ten years later.  I want to go back to that time and remember how much easier life seemed and how much happier I was.  I know we can't go back to that time, but I think remembering that life wasn't always like this is the first step to knowing what would make life better now.

I really don't want this dark cloud hanging over me anymore, and I know Mom wouldn't either.  Ten years is a long time to wish something wasn't true. I know it's not always easy to figure out what's holding you back, but the feeling of hope is a powerful thing.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend...